What it boils down to is their more skillful way of deal- ing with fellow human beings. You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Wanna-bes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and grouse that the big boys and big girls at the top are snobs.
They also pos- sess a quality that makes bosses hire and then promote, a charac- teristic that keeps clients coming back, and an asset that makes customers buy from them and not the competition. We all have a few of those tricks in our bags, some more than others.
Those with a whole lot of them are big winners in life. How to Talk to Anyone gives you ninety-two of these little tricks they use every day so you, too, can play the game to perfection and get whatever you want in life. Your body is belying your words. Your face can make seven thousand differ- ent expressions, and each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any particular moment.
The way you move is your autobiography in motion. On the stage of real life, every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life. Bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes.
And people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter, or every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips can draw others toward you or make them want to run away. Copyright by Leil Lowndes. Introduction xiii Men—did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a deal? On a conscious level, we may not be aware of what the hunch is. But like the ear of the dog or the eye of the bat, the elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real.
I explored hundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility. Two mammoth reasons. Dale Carnegie and many communications experts are like that sage. They tell us what to do but not how to do it. Accomplished or attractive peo- ple are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them.
Reason Two: The world is a very different place than it was in , and we need a new formula for success. I explored techniques used by top salespeople to close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to convert, performers to engross, sex symbols to seduce, and ath- letes to win. I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their success.
Then I broke them down into easily digestible, news-you-can-use techniques. As I developed the techniques, I began sharing them with audiences around the country. Participants in my communications seminars gave me their ideas. My clients, many of them CEOs of Fortune companies, enthusiastically offered their observations. I listened carefully to their casual conversations, their timing, and their choice of words. I watched as they dealt with their families, friends, associates, and adversaries.
Every time I detected a little nip of magic in their communicating, I asked them to pluck it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light of consciousness. Some are subtle. Some are surprising. But all are achievable. When you master them, everyone from new acquaintances to family, friends, and business associates will hap- pily open their hearts, homes, companies, and even wallets to give you whatever they can.
This page intentionally left blank. My friend Robert Grossman is an accom- plished caricature artist who draws regularly for Forbes, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, and other popular publications. Bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appear- ance of his subjects, but for zeroing in on the essence of their per- sonalities.
The bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad. I just look at them. For instance. First impressions are indelible. So, whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time. Amazingly enough, yes. Not one word need be spoken. I could sense, just from seeing them move, who the heavyweights were and who were the welterweights. I have no extrasensory skill. Because before you have had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about someone.
He knew precisely what I was get- ting at. How to Look Like a Somebody My friend Karen is a highly respected professional in the home- furnishings business. They have two small sons. Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays deference to her. Her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting with her and, they hope, be pho- tographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like Home Furnishings Executive and Furniture World.
Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When you use the next nine techniques, you will come across as a special person to everyone you meet. His edict has been echoed each decade by practically every communications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone.
Espe- cially nowadays. Look at world leaders, negotiators, and cor- porate giants. Not a smiling sycophant among them. Key players in all walks of life enrich their smile so, when it does erupt, it has more potency and the world smiles with them.
Researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of smiles. They range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy smile of a tickled infant. Some smiles are warm while others are cold. There are real smiles and fake smiles. How to Fine-Tune Your Smile Just last year, my old college friend Missy took over her family business, a Midwestern company supplying corrugated boxes to manufacturers. One day she called saying she was coming to New York to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with sev- eral of her prospects.
Missy was an incurable giggler, and that was part of her charm. When her Dad passed away last year, she told me she was tak- ing over the business. But, hey, what do I know about the corrugated box biz?
She was just as charming; she smiled as much as ever. Yet something was different. Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impres- sion everything Melissa said was more insightful and sincere. She was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients, and I could tell they liked her, too.
I was thrilled because my friend was scoring a knockout that night. By the end of the eve- ning, Melissa had three big new clients. Your whole personality has developed, well, a really cool, sharp corpo- rate edge. It con- cerned women in business. The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible.
Not one was known for her quick smile. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility. However, she trained her lips to erupt more slowly. Thus her smile appeared more sincere and personalized for the recipient. That was it! I decided to do more research on the smile. Well, for several months, I became a steady smile watcher.
I watched smiles on the street. I watched smiles on TV. I watched the smiles of politicians, the clergy, corporate giants, and world leaders. Soak in their persona. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. Let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerful communications tools you possess, your eyes. Zola refused to be left alone in a room with Louie, my Siamese cat. In some cultures, intense eye contact is sorcery.
In others, star- ing at someone can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this, big players in the international scene prefer to pack a book on cul- tural body-language differences in their carry-on rather than a Berlitz phrase book.
In our culture, however, big winners know exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous, especially 9 Copyright by Leil Lowndes. In business, even when romance is not in the picture, strong eye contact packs a powerful wallop between men and women. A Boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect. They tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner blinked.
They gave the other half of the subjects no special eye-contact directions for the chat. Yet she became the focus of my attention throughout my talk. Because not for one moment did she take her eyes off my face. I loved it!
Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who was so enthralled by my speech. As people were leaving the hall, I quickly sidled up behind my big fan.
My fan kept walking. I fol- lowed her into the corridor and tapped her shoulder gently. This time she whirled around with a surprised look on her face. I mum- bled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on my talk and wanting to ask her a few questions. The woman was hearing impaired. I did not captivate her as I had suspected. She was not intrigued by my talk as I had hoped. The only reason she kept her eyes glued on my face was because she was struggling to read my lips!
Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration during my talk that, tired as I was, I asked her to join me for coffee. I spent the next hour recapping my entire seminar just for her. Powerful stuff this eye contact. In addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker.
They asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their part- ners talked. The results? All went as expected when women told their per- sonal stories to women.
Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him.
When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelike substance gushing through their veins. And when you consciously increase your eye contact, even during normal business or social interac- tion, people will feel they have captivated you. Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky Eyes.
Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or mis- interpret your intentions. It broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect. I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an arrogant chap. Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I told him about the Sticky Eyes technique.
I guess he took it to heart. When the waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He came across as a sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra sec- onds of eye contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too.
We received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening. With women, I make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky. Like a potent medi- cine that has the power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact tech- nique has the potential to captivate or annihilate. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected criminals.
And clever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love with them. If romance is your goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac. The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off—you, your target, and one other person. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener—your target—rather than the speaker.
Attorneys, bosses, police investigators, psychologists, and others 14 Copyright by Leil Lowndes. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful.
Technique 3 Epoxy Eyes This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact. Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler, yet effective, form.
This way Mr. Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity. Since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye contact can be a turn-on. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes is downright obnoxious. Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested! Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you.
To that end, we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a very important person. When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little ham- mer, your foot jerks forward.
Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of hap- piness hits your heart and you feel like a winner, your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your eyes. This is the look winners have constantly.
They stand with assurance. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it—good posture symbolizes that you are a man or woman who is used to being on top. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a technique more stern than teach- ers and more persuasive than parents to make us stand like a Somebody.
One false move, one slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look, can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat. When seven men and women raced into the center ring, the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallen- das, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person pyramid without a net.
In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a soda slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death.
The vision was unforgettable. To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven Wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their bows. Here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride, success, and joy of being alive. Soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body.
It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect align- ment—head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weight- less. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you.
Now you look like a Somebody. One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how many times I walked through a doorway: sixty times, even at home. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray you as a big winner. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position. Use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million. Because we all silently ask that question.
Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are? We like those people. They have good taste. The cretins! But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this. They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They check out your hands. They scrutinize your 21 Copyright by Leil Lowndes. An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males.
During the summation by the prosecu- tion, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler, sent a message to the jury of attention and interest.
During his defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest. I really like you. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for a hug. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off with a myriad of body signals.
However, when welcoming his loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm. Treat People Like Big Babies Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive, recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many companies then, had downsized.
My girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship. At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both personally and professionally. She sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder. Carla turned toward him. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none of them was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue.
Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation? I want you to give the next man who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn toward him just like you did then. Carla played her role to perfection. After a few moments, I excused myself.
Neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation. It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle.
The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. The secret to mak- ing people like you is showing how much you like them! Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station reveal- ing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment.
Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence.
Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in over- drive. Our brains become lean. Others are frantically sizing up the situation. And hungry. So we think too much instead of respond- 27 Copyright by Leil Lowndes. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce. We need a technique to ensure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject.
We need to trick our bod- ies into reacting perfectly. When we see someone we love or feel com- pletely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.
It guar- antees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. But somehow you lost track of your friend. No information online. None of your mutual friends had a clue. Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy.
Obviously, you are not going to try to convince the new person that the two of you are really old friends. You will amaze yourself.
You make this new person feel very special indeed. Technique 6 Hello Old Friend When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for. How sad, the vicis- situdes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mack- erel, now the party the meeting, the convention has reunited you with your long-lost old friend!
The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and everything between. The group chats as though at a pleasant semiformal gathering.
Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraor- dinary. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air sparkles with happier, high-energy people.
They are standing closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them. When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects.
The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect. You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody.
In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intel- ligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals. Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right.
Her hands were comfortably rest- ing in her lap and she was looking directly at me. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she told me.
I asked if she enjoyed her work. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said, that she wanted to pursue the subject further.
I asked her about her goals for the future. I asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her pre- vious position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.
Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an in- house booking agent. He looked right at me. He answered all my questions directly. Because of that, many large companies turn to the polygraph, or lie detector, a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying.
How to Come Across as Percent Credible to Everyone 33 Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre- employment screening. Interest- ingly, the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Because when the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place.
Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the polygraph. A young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight.
More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty. Professional communicators, alert to this hazard, consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They never put their hands on their faces. If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody, try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communica- tion counts. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss.
Hans was owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. He became known as Clever Hans, the counting horse.
Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phe- nomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the number wearing glasses, or respond to any counting question they asked him. Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal—language.
By tapping out hoof beats for each letter, he answered any question about any- thing humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio.
He could even answer common questions about history, geography, and human biology. Hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout Europe.
Whatever their sus- picions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Com- pared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody.
Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individu- als you just know they are smarter than other people—that they are a Somebody? Nevertheless, everybody knows. The day of the big test arrived. They were going to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone.
When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed. He got them all right!
The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new commission. Commission number two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition prob- lem. Everyone expected Hans to quickly tap out the sum.
But Hans remained dumb! The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what that was? Now can you guess? When Hans started tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show sub- tle signs of tension.
Then, when Hans reached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slight relaxation of muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point and therefore appear to give the right answer. Someone asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk. You see performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting, and scores of other expressions. Are they nodding? Are their palms up? Are they frowning? Are they looking away?
Are their knuck- les clenched? Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away. When they feel superior to you, they steeple their hands. For the moment, all you need to do is tune to the silent channel being broadcast by the speaker. Then plan your moves accordingly. If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. The athlete at the top of the piste, every muscle primed and poised, waiting for the gun to propel him to ultimate victory.
The athlete is visualizing. All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers, swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic before performing it. They hear the sound of the wind, the splash in the water, the whirr of the javelin, the thud of its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust.
Before they move a muscle, professional athletes watch the whole movie, which, of course, ends in their own victory. Sports psychologists tell us visualization is not just for top- level competitive athletes.
Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their tennis, their running, whatever their favorite activity.
Experts agree if you see the pic- tures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful. Absolutely not! My friend Richard runs marathons. He was not badly injured. Nevertheless, his friends felt sorry for him because being laid up two weeks in bed would, naturally, knock him out of the big event.
What a surprise when, on that crisp November marathon morning in Central Park, Richard showed up in his little shorts and big running shoes. Every day. Twenty-six miles, yards, right there on my mattress. He saw the sights, heard the sounds, and felt the twitching movements in his mus- cles. He visualized himself racing in the marathon. Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid images.
Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meet- ing. You now have the skills necessary to get you started on the right foot with any new person in your life. HEAR your- self chatting comfortably with everyone.
FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. Then it all happens automatically. When the folks at Cape Kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon, a mistake in the millionth of a degree at the beginning, when the craft is still on the ground, means missing the moon by thousands of miles. Like- wise, a tiny body-language blooper at the outset of a relationship may mean you will never make a hit with that person.
We now move from the silent world to the spoken word. Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls. If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk.
When consulting for Fortune companies, I was astounded. Top executives, completely comfortable making big talk with their boards of directors or addressing their stockholders, confessed they felt like little lost children at parties where the pratter was less than prodigious. Small-talk haters take further consolation from the fact that you are in star-studded company. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing. Pablo Casals complained of lifelong stage fright.
Carly Simon curtailed live performances because of it. Is Small-Talk-a-Phobia Curable? Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable with drugs. But some fear disastrous side effects. If fear and distaste of small talk is the disease, knowing solid tech- niques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure. In our brains, neurons communicate through chemicals called neurotransmitters. Some people have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, a chemical cousin of adrenaline.
For some children, just walking into a kinder- garten room makes them want to run and hide under a table. As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table. As a preteen in an all-girls boarding school, my legs turned to linguine every time I had to converse with a male. In eighth grade, I once had to invite a boy to our school prom.
The entire selection of dancing males lived in the dormitory of our brother school. And I only knew one resident, Eugene. I had met Eugene at summer camp the year before.
Mustering all my courage, I decided to call him. Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset of sweaty palms. I put the call off. One week before, rapid heartbeat set in. Time was running out. The critical moment, I rationalized, would be easier if I read from a script.
We met at camp last summer. I picked up the receiver and dialed. Clutching the phone waiting for Eugene to answer, my eyes followed perspira- tion droplets rolling down my arm and dripping off my elbow.
A small salty puddle was forming around my feet. We-met-at-camp—last- summer-remember? Will that go with your dress? And my name is Donnie. Who said anything about Donnie? Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade.
Donnie had buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and com- munications skills that immediately put me at ease. On Saturday night, Donnie greeted me at the door, carnation in hand and grin on face. He joked self-deprecatingly about how he was dying to go to the prom so, knowing it was a case of mis- taken identity, he accepted anyway.
First we made small talk and then he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in. Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife through butter.
When you master them, you will be able—like Donnie—to melt the heart of everyone you touch. The goal of How to Talk to Anyone is not, of course, to make you a small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator. You shake hands, your eyes meet. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction of the cheese tray. We want our listeners to immediately rec- ognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where every- body was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting.
Their cocktail party was in full swing in the lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to the elevator. The doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with party goers. Suddenly I felt like a grasshop- per trapped in a stereo speaker.
Why then did I have an adverse reaction? I realized it was too much, too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my sluggish state. You see, small talk is not about facts or words. Small talk is about putting people at ease. And friendships might have started. Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed colleague starts pounding you with questions?
When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your lis- tener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. Some years ago, I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella. It was going to be a triple-whammy party because she was cele- brating three events.
Two, she was newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed her dream job. I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an attractive back room for parties. About 5 p. You can go zee eet eef you like. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all the party spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stu- pid space.
Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. Every mother knows this instinctively. Your listeners are all big babies!
If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment. Once while at a party, I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club of avid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, and obvi- ously enthralling his audience.
I went over to hearken to this fas- cinating speaker. I joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped for a minute or two. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was saying the most banal things! His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah, but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion, and therefore, he held the group spellbound.
Dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Bologna on whole wheat, hold the mayo? How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust. Hayakawa was a college president, U. He noticed others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously.
Because of the war, they were apprehensive about his presence. He made unoriginal remarks to set them at ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on so cold a night.
The man agreed. Again the husband agreed. Again agreement, this time with a slight smile. The tension was relaxing. Do you think the Japs have any chance of winning this war? Hundreds of radio commentators. But just because they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with.
Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sin- cerity and passion. Ascent from Banality It is not necessary, of course, to stay with mundane remarks.
The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more than your text. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they know? Open and shut. Other than these downers, anything goes. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking. We also need any information about good English torrent trackers to add to our index.
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